Joey’s Top Ten Complaints – May/June 2005 (as interpreted by Doug Parcells)

#10 – THERE IS TOO MUCH MULTI-TASKING GOING ON
“You really can’t talk to someone on a cell phone while you’re reading your mail. You really can’t juggle while you’re eating your dinner. People can’t do these things…….but they try. Can you imagine a Doctor checking his e-mail or having a sandwich while he’s sawing some poor guy open? THIS is the world right now!!”

#9 – THE MEDIOCRITY OF TELEVISION
“TV is getting worse and worse.  CNN is down to where they had Larry King being interviewed by Barbara Walters. So you had a woman with a speech impediment talking to a guy who has had EIGHT WIVES and can’t figure out why he’s broke!  That was the interview. Did you really need an hour of that?” 

#8 – THE OBSESSION WITH JEOPARDY
“This is a great time in history because we’re able to live through all this foolishness together. It’s called TRIVIA. Everyone has this great desire to win at Jeopardy. When you go to the gym, for example, and they’ve got Jeopardy on in the background, you feel really good about yourself if you know a lot of the answers. But it’s just trivia! Alex Trebek doesn’t know ANY of the answers; he just reads them off of cards. But he is still ONE SMART GUY……he gets them to pay him $15,000.00 per show!”

#7 – WHY CAN’T I GET ANY ATTENTION?
“I think that this new Manhattan magazine should do a story on me, not on Hilary Clinton. She’s dull. She hasn’t done anything exciting. I don’t think that she EVER did drugs. You’ve got to make mistakes to be interesting, and I MAKE THEM EVERY DAY! And then I put them on the air! I live in Harlem , (I’m the white guy!) and I work on Wall Street. But I have no money, or I wouldn’t live in Harlem! The two areas of the city that are having the biggest Renaissance are Downtown and Harlem... and I’m connected to both of them. But in truth, there is really no point to anything I’m saying... and there is no end in sight because I’m here until 5 AM!”

#6 – THE OUTRAGEOUS PRICE OF BAGELS
“So over at H&H Bagels, they are now charging one dollar per bagel. Does that give you an idea about how corrupt this society is? How the hell did they ease that price up to one dollar a bagel? Isn’t that amazing? A bagel is a little bit of flour and some water……and now they’re a buck each? So when I was going to this dinner the other night I parked in front of H&H Bagels. And I thought, while I’m right here I’ll pick up some bagels…..I have nothing but MONEY!! And I told them to give me a THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of bagels... 4 or 5 to go!”

#5 – WE JUST DON’T GET IT
“The people of India are getting lots of work from us these days. They work hard and work long hours for low wages... so we hire THEM instead of our own people.  And then we sit here and wonder why our economy is poor.  It’s poor because General Motors can’t sell cars to people who DON’T HAVE JOBS!  If there are no jobs in Buffalo, those people can’t buy stuff from the people in Albany. That’s just how it goes!  And you can’t take taxes out of people’s paychecks if they don’t HAVE paychecks because they can’t get JOBS!  And if you can’t take taxes, people can’t have retirement pay or health benefits when they get sick or depressed from not having JOBS!  Isn’t this an interesting little dynamic that we’ve got going here?  IS THERE ANYBODY IN WASHINGTON WITH THE LIGHTS ON?"

#4 – WHO IS THE PORT AUTHORITY?
“The Port Authority is a part of the government that has bushels of money coming in... but nobody knows who they are! Where does all this money go? New Jersey has a piece of it and New York has a piece of it. It’s like a mob that’s bigger than John Gotti’s ever was! These are people who really know how to steal. And they’ve got so many angles…..bridges, tunnels, ferries, trains…you name it! They’ve even got a bowling alley in the terminal on Eighth Avenue!  I think we should just go with guns and masks and hold up the Port Authority to get our money back. But who are they? And where are they?  NOBODY KNOWS!!”

#3 – THE PROPOSED CHANGES TO SOCIAL SECURITY
“Social Security is one thing that still runs smoothly. They send you a notice to tell you that you’re going to start receiving Social Security, how much it will be, when it will come, etc... they’re well organized.  I was on the phone with a Social Security office the other day, and I inadvertently got disconnected... AND THE GUY CALLED ME BACK!  How about that!  If you have a problem with Citibank and you call them, you get some guy in India.  Now our government has not yet started outsourcing, but it could be coming soon. It’ll be a terrible thing if you call the Pentagon and get some guy in New Dehli who says---“Hello—How do you do? – American Government, how may I help you?"  Don’t let these guys dismantle Social Security. The people that work there have manners…they answer the phone….they try to help you.  Don’t screw it up. It’s the one thing that still works.”

#2 – CALLERS TO TALK SHOWS
“People call in to talk shows because they want to give their opinion, like their opinion counts. Well let me tell you something right now... your opinion DOESN’T COUNT! Your phone calls have never changed a damn thing on this planet!  Nixon got into trouble because HE screwed up, not because YOU called a talk show.  Clinton was under the desk with a girl, and your calls didn’t get him out of office, did they?  These talk show guys are entertaining you. They bring up something so you will call and argue with them……and other people listen to the argument and enjoy it! So YOU become the brunt of the joke. YOU’RE THE ENTERTAINMENT!  You got it? Now you have some insight!  So don’t call these talk show guys who want to aggravate you and use you for entertainment. Me you can call. I just want to be your friend!”

#1 – I’M ALWAYS A VICTIM OF OVERBOOKING
“So a friend of mine is a Big Shot at AOL, and tonight he invited me to a special screening of the movie “Cinderella Man” at the Museum of Modern Art.  My name was on the list to be admitted, but when I got there they had already filled all the seats. Just like Continental Airlines, they had OVERBOOKED! I can’t tell you how it feels to be invited to something like this and then not get in because they had met their quota.  I’m afraid that this is going to happen to me when I die. I’ll get to heaven and God will say to me, “I’m sorry Joey, but we’ve already accepted 4 million souls this week. If you had just come a day earlier, I could have taken you.”  And I’ll say, “But Lord, I never took payola!”  And he’ll say, “No, Joey, you didn’t. You just never understood the game.”